grief – A Drug Named Hope

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A Drug Named Hope

There is life after baby loss

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Tag: grief

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The sweet ain’t so sweet without the bitter

August 29, 2019 — 0 Comments

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This blog is an insight into the secret world of miscarriage, told by an insider who knows the subject all too well.

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Today is my birthday!!!! ⁣ ⁣ And I’m the most excited I think I’ve ever been to celebrate a birthday.⁣ ⁣ The photo on the left was taken last year on my birthday and the one on the right was taken today!⁣ ⁣ I look the same don’t I?! Well, on the outside maybe! But on the inside, these are two completely different people.⁣ ⁣ The person on the left is blissfully lost. She has lost her identity since becoming a mum. Yes, she plays a number of roles in her life – mum, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend. But she doesn’t actually know who SHE is anymore.⁣ ⁣ The person on the right is found. She has found meaning and purpose in her life. She still performs her roles as a mum, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, but my goodness she is a whole heap of something else too. She is connected, grounded, at peace, pushing boundaries, stepping up and living her life from the inside out. She knows who she is, who she REALLY is. ⁣ So this year, my birthday doesn’t represent becoming a year older, it represents a year-long journey of internal growth. ⁣ ⁣ And as I sit back in awe and reflect on the internal transformation that has occurred from the left hand photo to the right hand photo, I feel the butterflies in my stomach. ⁣ ⁣ I’m excited about the internal growth that awaits in this coming year, the fears I conquer, the mindset shifts, the opportunities I embrace and the person I’m becoming. ⁣ ⁣ The person I'm becoming isn’t someone new, I already know her, she exists inside of me, and step by step, like a butterfly emerging from it’s cocoon, she too is emerging in all her inner glory 🦋⁣

In my last post, I shared how speaking my truth, allowing myself to be seen and baring my soul during a podcast interview gave me a vulnerability hangover. ⁣ ⁣ Like most alcohol induced hangovers, my vulnerability-induced hangover lasted about 24 hours...but it could have lasted way longer if I added fuel to the fire. So rather than feeding it with even more vulnerability of how exposed I felt and how people would judge me, I changed the nature of my self-talk and in doing so I cured the hangover. ⁣ ⁣ I did this by…⁣ ⁣ ⚡Connecting with my ‘why’ – By speaking up about baby loss, I give a voice to those who have experienced it, I give a voice of those who are yet to find theirs, I open people’s eyes to the world of baby loss and I challenge how we speak about and support those who are on this painful journey.⁣ ⁣ ⚡Putting it into perspective - “My message is bigger than my fear” I said this during my interview and I deeply believe it to be true. When we get out of our heads (that’s where the fear lives) and back into the real world, we can see the bigger picture and that’s the root of clarity, direction and perspective.⁣ ⁣ ⚡Remembering that I am so much stronger than I think – The discomfort I felt sharing my story is NOTHING compared to actually going through it for real. I’d been through the hardest part and I survived. In talking about it and owning it, I will thrive!⁣ ⁣ ⚡No one ever grew by sitting on their sofa watching Netflix – we experience real growth when we step outside of our comfort zone, when we do something we’ve never done before, when we step into the unknown. And that’s what was happening to me, I was feeling the pain associated with real growth.⁣ ⁣ So if you ever have that "gut-wrenching feeling that happens the moment we decide to get real about who we are, what we want, and how we express it” have a chat with yourself and reframe it using the points above. Its an almost instant cure to the vulnerability hangover.⁣

When the host of the podcast, Aren, hit the record button and I started talking I felt the nervous energy in my voice but I spoke and spoke and spoke. I shared my journey. I took the space Aren gave me to tell my story. I eased into it. It started to feel natural and by the end of it I didn’t feel the nerves at all and I actually felt really good. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I DID IT!⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ Why then, shortly afterwards and for the day that followed did I feel sick to my stomach?⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ 🤦🏻‍♀️“What the hell did I just do?”⁣⁣⁣ 🤦🏻‍♀️“Did I seriously think I was ready for that?’⁣⁣⁣ 🤦🏻‍♀️“Did I have to share so much detail?!”⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I felt drained. I had no energy. I had a headache that just wouldn’t shift. I felt overly emotional. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ What was wrong with me? I’d just done something amazing. I’d just stepped out from behind my computer screen and out from my comfort zone. I had just allowed myself to be seen and heard. And it went well!!⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ But I couldn't shift how I was feeling. Because it turned out I was suffering with a hangover – a vulnerability hangover (the “gut-wrenching feeling that happens the moment we decide to get real about who we are, what we want, and how we express it”⁣)⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ That’s exactly how I was feeling. My stomach in knots. My emotions brought right up to the surface re-living what I’d been through. My mind in over-analytical, over-critical mode questioning everything I said during the interview.⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I’d shared so much. I put myself out there. For the first time in years, I let people hear my voice - the nerves, the lump in my throat as I held back the tears when I spoke of my dad, the excitement of my dreams and goals. I put it all out there.⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I’d opened myself up for judgement, for pity, for criticism. All of it. I felt naked. And I had no control of how people would receive what I’d shared. My deepest and most profound experiences that have shaped who I am today, now in the hands of others. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Once it was out there, it was out there. There was no going back from it. All of this made me feel vulnerable and this is what gave me a hangover!⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ But I worked through it...in my next post I'll talk about my cure for this hangover!

So it's been a week since the end of Baby Loss Awareness Week and I've barely appeared on social media. ⁣ ⁣ I've been nursing a sick 2 year old and fighting a cold. But in all honesty I just needed a break from all the posts (my own and everyone else's).⁣ ⁣ I wasn't expecting BLAW to be quite as draining and emotionally charged as it was. I wasn't expecting it to be just SO hard. ⁣ ⁣ By day 2 of BLAW I was in tears. I didn't think I could get through the week and honour my commitment to post every day. I remember feeling overwhelmed with it all and saying 'if this is too much for me, I bet it's too much for people reading my posts, I bet they've had enough already'.⁣ ⁣ I could have stopped there and then.⁣ ⁣ But I didn't. ⁣ ⁣ I didn't because I completely believe in the cause...to be the voice for so many who have experienced baby loss, to educate others so that we are better equipped to have conversations with those living through baby loss and to break the silence and stop this being a taboo. ⁣ ⁣ And also, maybe most importantly, every person who is living life without their baby doesn't have a choice to just stop their feelings, their pain, their longing when it gets a bit too much. So I had a point to make too, that if this all felt too much for others to observe, they had the choice to stop reading, to look away, to ignore the posts in their feed. We don't have this choice. Our baby, our experience, our loss is a part of us, it doesn't just go away.⁣ ⁣ So I persevered. I got there. I made it to the end of the week and I somehow kept on posting! ⁣ ⁣ And if the feedback is anything to go by, awareness is at another level to what it was before BLAW, eyes have been opened, people have been seen, people have been heard and people have been held and supported ❤❤❤⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ This it what has fueled my recovery this week. Aside from having cold, I feel good, I feel proud, I feel like this is just the start and with people like you who are willing to listen, willing to learn and willing to be the change, I truly believe that absolutely anything is possible 🙏🙏🙏⁣⁣

I lit so many candles for wave of light yesterday to honour each baby whose story I was privileged enough to hear. I watched for an hour as the flames danced like excited children at a party. ⁣I imagined our angels doing that up in Heaven 🙏 ⁣ As I blew out each little candle, I had an idea. I ran upstairs to my craft supplies and found a large candle wick which I positioned inside an empty candle jar.⁣ ⁣ Before the liquid wax solidified in each of the tealight candles I poured it into the large jar and heated it gently until I had one big, beautiful, precious pink candle.⁣ ⁣ Why? I hear you ask. Why go to such trouble? Just buy a big candle.⁣ ⁣ I'll tell you why...⁣ ⁣ Not only does this new pink candle contain the essence of all the little angles I honoured when I lit the candles, but it is also a symbol of love, strength and solidarity.⁣ ⁣ ❤ The love you each hold for your angel baby.⁣ ⁣ 🏋️‍♀️ The strength you all showed in sharing your story.⁣ ⁣ 👭 And the solidarity that comes from us all standing together in support of one another as we walk this journey of life without our babies by our side. ⁣ ⁣ When I light this candle may you feel the love, strength and solidarity that you all poured into it 🙏🙏🙏⁣

I was at a Wave of Light event this evening so I'm a little late in posting my #waveoflight2019⁣ ⁣⁣ To everyone who has been brave enough to reach out to me and talk about their babies over the last few days - I said I would honour your babies and today I did. 🙏⁣ ⁣⁣ I honoured them by lighting a candle in their memory 🕯⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ So one of the candles you see here is dedicated to your baby/babies 🕯⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I stand with you all today and always 🙏 With all the love in the world ❤⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ P.S. I can only tag 20 people but rest assured if you have shared your story with me publicly or privately, your angels were honoured by me today 🙏

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