Even after all of this time, I still don’t know how to answer this question. I feel dread in the pit of my stomach. I feel a little sick. My mind goes into overdrive. My heart starts to hurt.
- Saying I have one daughter is the easy answer – not for me, but for the other person. It saves the other person the uncomfortable feeling of hearing my truth. For me, it is the worst possible answer. I always feel sick in my stomach afterwards. My heart hurts. I feel guilty. Later, I say sorry to my angel babies for not acknowledging them. And I usually shed a solitary tear.
- Saying I have one daughter and one in Heaven – this is a harder answer for the other person to hear, but not for me to give. It is part of my truth. It is a level of truth I think the other person can handle. But I still feel guilty that I didn’t acknowledge my other angels babies. Later, I say sorry to them. And I usually shed a solitary tear.
- Saying I have one daughter and 7 angels in Heaven – this is an impossible answer for the other person to comprehend or respond to, but not for me to give. It is my truth. It is my complete truth. I smile when I leave this conversation, for I acknowledged all of my babies, they come to my mind, I imagine them watching and feeling acknowledged and loved.
So, which of the three is the answer I give? The truth is, it varies, even now. I don’t always give the same answer.
Sometimes I don’t want to spare the other persons feelings at the detriment of my own.
Sometimes I don’t want to share my angels with the person I am talking to.
Sometimes I don’t trust the other person to honour my truth.
Sometimes I have no time to think and just say whatever comes into my mind at the very instant the person has put me on the spot.
Sometimes I am honest and just say, I really don’t know how to answer that question and leave it at that.
So what looks like a simple question is often loaded with turmoil for any parent who has lost a baby.
This photo is not of my family but from @zoeadelle book. I had to share it with this post because it beautifully depicts life through the eyes of a baby loss parent.